BD Newsletter

By BRAD DURHAM

         The day I left to go to my 50^th Reunion at Middlesex, I saw my therapist of the past 20 years for the last time in Nashville. She is retiring. She was an unconventional therapist who would often insist that I focus on two things during my early years of therapy: cognitive reconstruction and corrective emotional experience. She was the first person to convince me that I had experienced childhood trauma. I learned that untreated trauma can lead to being out of alignment with your values.

WHY I WAS COMPELLED TO COME BACK…

A classmate, “I’ve not seen those guys in 50 years; why do I want to see them now!”

         Everyone has his own reason to attend or ignore his 50^th High School Reunion. My motivation was to see some friends I had not seen in many decades, and I had something pulling at me to be there. I was not sure what it was, but once I drove onto campus, it hit me…it was Brad Kingman. His spirit lives!

(Brad Kingman passed away on August 17, 2012: https://www.legacy.com/us/obituaries/wickedlocal-concordjournal/name/bradford-kingman-obituary?id=9486613)

         Looking out over the Circle at the 50th Reunion, a basic question popped into my head, what is the purpose, the mission of Middlesex? I looked it up…

Middlesex School helps students find their promise through rigorous intellectual, physical, creative, and ethical education. We value integrity, kindness, inclusivity, excellence, and engagement in service of our community and the wider world.

MY PROMISE

         The promise I made to myself about the 50^th Reunion was to resolve my deep regret about breaking my word to Brad Kingman. The rigorous Middlesex education was clearly beneficial. The major ethical lesson that I should have learned at Middlesex eluded me for decades. I was out of alignment before I went to Middlesex, and as much as Brad Kingman and the school tried to guide me in the right direction, I resisted.

FOUR CARDINAL VIRTUES

         Plato presents four cardinal virtues in The Republic. They are wisdom, courage, self-discipline and justice. When I entered Middlesex as a student, I was lacking in all four of these virtues. I was self-consumed, not making the best and brightest personal choices. Early childhood trauma had hijacked me.

SENIOR YEAR – MY TRANSGRESSION

         When I came back to Middlesex early for football my senior year, I started off on the wrong foot. The year before, I had asked Brad Kingman, who was my advisor and Dean of Middlesex School, if I could drive my MG up from Tennessee after the break. Jamie Jones had asked me to visit him on the Cape after school ended, and I mentioned that I wanted to have my car. Mr. Kingman said, “Okay” — on one condition – that I not bring the MG back my senior year.

         I drove the MG back to Concord for my final year, and my second stop was Mr. Kingman’s house. Why? I was stupid and out of alignment. He told me that he wanted my plates and keys to the car. I refused. During the next few months, we had a few intense meetings inside and outside of his office.

THE CRASH

         The night after the final football game, I crashed my MG down the street from Jamie Jones’ house on the Cape. Word traveled back to Middlesex. Crashing my car was an existential metaphor. I was crashing in every sense of the word.

         Mr. Kingman probably discussed the issue of my MG with the Headmaster and staff during the Fall of 1974. One fall day, John DeQ. Briggs, Jr., the Assistant Headmaster, approached me in Alumni Hall. He said, “There was a time when I thought you represented Middlesex well. Now, I do not know what the hell to think!” And he walked away.

THE DEMAND TO LEAVE CAMPUS FOR A SEMESTER

         A few days later in November, Brad Kingman called me into his office. He asked me what I was going to do next semester. I told him that I had fulfilled my credits, and I was going to do an independent study and play sports. He said that I wasn’t. I said that I was. Mr. Kingman then said, “I’ve been here a long time. You are not going to make it. You will get expelled and not get into the college you want to attend.”

         I was shocked; the game was over. It was obvious that Mr. Kingman was tired of dealing with me, and I was close to being expelled. Maybe he was going to expel me but reconsidered. I don’t know…but I knew I had to change my plans 

MANY YEARS LATER…THE BENEFITS OF THERAPY

         Doing the cognitive reconstruction work in my therapy created clarity and helped decrease some of my misplaced shame. For example, I developed a better understanding of how I was not responsible for my parent’s divorce and my mother’s death. No matter what I learned as I grew older, the mixed-up perspective of a child was tough to correct emotionally. 

         My parents divorced when I was in the seventh grade, and two years later, I found my mother dead in her bed. Many years later, I realized that I did not have the foundation as a kid to deal with the childhood trauma. I came to Middlesex ready to explode without proper guardrails. Those were guardrails that no longer existed for multiple reasons.

         Intellectually, I could understand that I was not totally responsible for the breakup and tragedy in my family. But I blamed myself for causing problems. I was a rebel. I was angry. I defied authority constantly. I simply did not know why I thought and felt the way I did. Often, I questioned my own behavior.

UNDERSTANDING MY 18-YEAR-OLD BEHAVIOR

         Therapy helped me better understand my history of self-destructive behavior. 50 years after being told that I had to leave campus for my last semester, I can better understand what transpired. I was spiraling out of control. Brad Kingman was trying to help me align with the proper virtues. I was resistant, defiant.

         If I had simply given Brad Kingman the plates and keys to my car, and apologized for breaking my word, who knows what would have happened. Unfortunately, I did not have the wisdom and courage to do the right thing in 1974/1975. Mr. Kingman gave me many opportunities to correct my decision-making, and I refused. I was clueless.

         I am extremely grateful that Brad Kingman stood his ground and did his job. He protected Middlesex, and he protected me from myself. I cannot explain my stupid behavior. Moreover, I am not making any excuses. Yet, I can understand why I was so out of alignment. 

PEOPLE – RELATIONSHIPS MAKE THE DIFFERENCE

         Seeing all my classmates was genuinely heartwarming and inspirational. Everybody added something to the experience of being at Middlesex. The Class of 1975 had some great characters, and every one of them made a contribution. Jamie Jones, Blair Villa and Spence Sloan together with George Noble did a great job of making everything happen for the 50th.

BRAD KINGMAN, A LASTING INFLUENCE

         Of course, I regret not being able to see Brad Kingman to apologize and thank him. In many respects, I was 50 years too late.

    From my perspective, there were several moments when Mr. Kingman tried to persuade me to change my behavior. He used logic. He used intimidation. He ambushed me. In therapeutical terms, he tried to help me have “corrective emotional experiences.” He saw that I was making bad choices, and he genuinely tried to redirect me.

         Brad Kingman was a good man. I hope he knew that I respected him for being firm and consistent. He made a major difference in my life. I choose to interpret his demand that I leave campus as an act of compassion — helping me avoid a tragedy. The rest is history!

Brad Kingman, Dean of Faculty 1974 Middlesex School Yearbook Photos